Who Are You?

If I were to ask you, who are you? What would your response be? Would you list external things, such as your job, or practical things you’re good at? Yet that wouldn’t really be answering the question. So who are you?

What if I were to ask you now, “Do you love yourself?” What would your response be? I wonder if it might be something like, “Yeah, a bit, but I’ve got a lot to work on,” or “No, I don’t,” or maybe even just a shake of the head.

I wanted to write this blog because I’ve noticed that many of the responses I hear in the counselling room reveal a loss of identity and a feeling of being unworthy of love. My hope is that this blog encourages you to take a step forward in knowing and loving who you are—or even just becoming more comfortable with exploring your inner world.

“Love others as you love yourself.”

My next question is: how can you love others if you don’t love yourself? I don’t usually share personal stories in the counselling room, as the space is not about me, but I would like to briefly share when I learned what loving myself means, in the hope that it encourages you.

For a few years as a teenager, I struggled to look at myself in the mirror, and I developed bulimia in an attempt to change how I looked. I was far from loving myself. Even after I recovered, I felt so much shame about what I had put my body through that I couldn’t understand how someone could love me as I was. Years later, I was reminded of the phrase above, and I remember my first thought being, “Well, heck, if I don’t love myself, there’s not a chance someone else is going to love me.” Someone could say the most loving and encouraging things, but what effect does that have if you don’t believe it?

As one blind spot was revealed, another soon followed. I started thinking about how I see other people, and I realised something that hit me hard: what I was most critical of in others was what I was most critical of in myself. I wasn’t capable of loving others as well as I could because, instead of loving myself, I was my own worst critic.

So what does it mean to love yourself? I’m not talking about a selfish or vain kind of love. I’m talking about a love that is a value—a love that shows you value who you are, that understands your worth, that sees your flaws but doesn’t define you by them. When you love yourself, you recognise your value and worth, which gives you a greater ability to love others and see their value too.

John Gottman, a world-renowned couples counsellor, introduced the concept of the “Sound Relationship House” in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He describes a secure partnership as being like a house, with its foundation built on “love maps”—in other words, knowing one another’s world. So here’s another question: how well do you know your own world? If you don’t know your world, how can someone else get to know it?

Your inner world is made up of who you are—your interests, your relationships, and your past experiences—all of which have contributed to who you are today. Exploring your inner world should be an exciting concept, but unfortunately, life circumstances and experiences can make us want to avoid it. Sometimes it can feel so overwhelming that your immediate reaction is to shut down and suppress whatever arises within you. If this resonates with you in any way, you are not alone.

I understand that strong emotions can surface when exploring your inner world—fear, anxiety, insecurity, worry, or perhaps something else entirely. Sometimes we focus so much on the pain and brokenness that we miss the beauty within.

There is an ancient Japanese art called Kintsugi, which involves breaking a piece of pottery and repairing it with powdered gold. It represents the beauty in what is broken—that there is gold within the flaws and brokenness of life. This doesn’t mean the beauty removes the brokenness, but rather that there can be light and colour within it.

If this blog resonates with you and you would like someone to walk alongside you as you explore your inner world, I encourage you to get in touch for support. You will be offered a safe and non-judgemental space to explore your inner world, be empowered to get to know yourself more, and perhaps, one day, come to love who you are.